River light
by esama
Summary: Sometimes people get precisely what they ask for. AU with mild slash, drabble.


Warnings: Hikaru no Go AU drabble. Hikaru x Sai Slash, sorta. I have no idea

**River** **Light**

Sai eyed the smooth surface of the still river with sad eyes. He felt… defeated. In every way a man could be defeated, he had been. In spirit and in body, in mind and soul, in everything. Driven from not only from his home, but from his life, from the very thing that made his life worth living… left with nothing. Nothing but what he could carry, and even that had dwindled in the short journey from what had been his home, to this river.

Sighing, he let the bundle he had been carrying fall to the river's shore, before slowly descending to his knees. He had… hoped. He wasn't sure what he had been hoping for, not any more, but he had hopped. When he had been driven out, with the palace guards following him out, and to the edge of the city, he had still… somehow… hoped. For a miracle? For mercy? Perhaps. For guidance, certainly. For a chance.

"A fool, I am…" he murmured and bowed his head. His whole life had been in those palace halls and grand rooms, in front and beside a Goban. Teaching, playing, learning, improving himself and others. It was all he had ever wanted, and all he had ever needed. Just a board, with its familiar grid, and the stones, smooth and perfect, tools of greater perfection. He only needed a Goban and the stones…

Except no, he needed more. He needed his standing as a Go teacher, he needed his opponents, great and learning, he needed his _place_ in life and destiny. And he had thought he had had that. He had thought his life was perfect. It _had been_ perfect. And everything else after this, after the halls and teaching games had been taken from him… was not enough.

Squeezing the rich fabric of his nu-bakama in his fingers, he shut his eyes tightly. Perhaps someone might've build up their live from ruin such as this. They could've gone to another city, and discovered other Gobans to play on, other people to teach. But not he, not after he had been accused of cheating, _cheating_, in front of the _emperor_. Not after having that accusation ruin his concentration, his career, his whole life work.

What could compare? He had taught the emperor, he had played with the princesses, he had entertained the palace women and men, he had played visiting dignitaries. _What on earth could compare_?

"Nothing," he whispered and looked up. His haunted eyes found the river's smooth, mirror like surface, and the reflection of the full moon on it. So much like a Go stone, a white seashell polished to gleam. "Nothing," he whispered, and let the tears flow and mingle with the dew in the plants beneath his knees.

He was too weak, too selfish, to find his life after this. It was gone, taken, torn apart, ruined. There was nothing. Not in him, not in the pitiful bundle he had been allowed to take with him, not in his clothing, not even in the fan he carried, so precious and rich and absolutely useless now. Nothing left for him, anywhere.

With a sigh, he lifted himself up and to his feet, stepping out of his foot wear. The dew soaked through his tabi instantly, but he ignored it – soon he'd be quite bit more wet, and none of it mattered. "God of this river, whatever your name might be," he said softly. "I humbly apologise for disturbing you. Please. Take me into your embrace and let me lay there for a thousand years."

With that said, he stepped down from the river bank and into the water. The first step only took him ankle deep, but the river bottom deepened fast, and by the third step he was already knee deep. The water was cool but not freezing, and despite the ripples his approach caused, overall the surface remained smooth. Somewhere behind him, Sai could hear wind in the reeds and in the wisteria trees, rustling the leaves and blades of grass, sighing.

It was a beautiful night. A doomed ma couldn't really ask for more than that.

Once he was as deep as he could get without being completely emerged, Sai cast a last glace up, and to the sky above him. The stars shone brightly, reminding him of games he had once played, and would never play again. Goban of gods.

Closing his eyes Sai breathed out and stepped forward, vanishing beneath the waves.

x

He hadn't expected to wake, was the first thing Sai thought when he did just that. He was lying against something soft but sturdy, propped up at the waist, held still by something. There was something nudging at his shoulder, and he could feel what had to be a hand at his side, poking at him – and he was unmistakeably alive, despite all his intentions to the contrary.

"If you're going to be like this all the time, this is going to be _very_ boring," a male voice muttered, and then there were fingers at his face, on his cheek – pinching him. "Wakey, wakey, sleepy head," the voice said, tugging at his cheeks until Sai couldn't hold back the whine of pain. "Ah! He awakens!"

"What?" Sai asked weakly, opening his eyes and wishing he didn't have to. His intentions of drowning himself must've failed – he had probably drifted back to the surface after losing his consciousness and then someone, this man, had discovered him. Even the gods and death did not want him after his failure, he thought with dismay, and then realised what he was seeing.

"Well, at least you're pretty," the man, in whose arms he was lying, said, while Sai looked up at him with eyes wide. Seemingly completely unaware that his short, oddly coloured hair was floating in the air, the man grinned at him. "I've seen much uglier drowning victims."

"What?" Sai asked again, frowning a bit. Yes, the man's hair was floating, almost as if being played with by the laziest of all possible winds. It also had two separate colours – it was toned with gold brighter than anything Sai had seen from the front, and black so dark Sai couldn't quite distinguish it from the black.

"I said I've seen uglier people drown," the man said, and touched Sai's chin, tilting both his own and Sai's head at the same time, to see Sai's face from a different angle. "Yeah," he said, sounding satisfied. "Very pretty."

It was the move as much as the words that made Sai realise that he was still lying in the man's lap, and had yet to make any move to get up. Letting out an embarrassed sound he quickly sat up, making move to shift back, and then… then something very odd happened.

As he turned, intending to sit back on his knees, he floated. Just a little, hitting the ground with the softest of impacts, but he _floated_. And not just him, but his hair and clothing, both which flowed lazily as if caught in the same idle wind that played with the stranger's hair. Wide eyed and confused, Sai stared at his own hair, still bound near the end, and still _floating_ as if weightless. "What is happening?" he asked, still too sleep addled to think clearly.

"What do you think?" the man asked, resting his elbows on his knees, only partially covered by the loose robe he was wearing. He grinned a little wider at the baffled look Sai gave him, and then motioned upwards. "Look up."

Sai did. Above them he saw glimmering light which looked completely unnatural at first. Was he in the land of the dead after all: was this what it looked like, beyond the river Sanzu? Was the light always like this, like seen from the bottom of a river? Then he realised it was exactly that, and quick glance around himself confirmed it. He _was_ in the bottom of a river, sitting among the sea weed, inch deep in river mud – his hair floating not in _air_ but in water.

"What is this?" Sai asked softly, feeling utterly lost. "How is this possible?" he asked, turning to the man in front of him.

"How do you think?" the man asked, smiling as he jumped up, floating a bit in the water, the sleeves of his robe flowing, the water tugging at his hair as he came forward. Before Sai could even think of avoiding him, the man was right in front of him, in _his_ lap, winding his arms around him. "Not very many take the time to apologise or make requests when they decide to drown themselves, you know," the man said, while Sai sat still, frozen, in his embrace. "You caught my interest, human."

"Oh," Sai answered, his eyes widening a little more. "You're the… god of this river?"

"Yep," the man answered, still smiling. "And you want to stay in my embrace for a thousand years. You humans can be _so_ romantic at times."

The former go teacher swallowed dryly, not entirely sure how his mouth could be dry when he was in the bottom of a river. "I, uh… I apologise. I did not expect –"

"Humans rarely do," the river god answered, and unwound one arm from around Sai's shoulders to touch his cheek and lift his face up. Now Sai recognised the smile, the look in his eyes – owner's satisfaction and smugness. "What is your name?" the river god asked, stroking his thumb down Sai's cheek.

"Fu-Fujiwara no Sai," he answered, unable to help it.

"Hello, Fujiwara no Sai. I am Hikaru," the god answered, smiling. "Welcome to my river. I hope you don't mind the company because we're going to be together for a _long_ time."

xx

Drabble drabble. Posted some days ago in tumblr, and now the muse demanded it ought to be uploaded here. So, here I am, uploading at insanely early in the morning because I'm highly suggestible when I'm sleep deprived. Though I doubt I will continue this. Well, maybe someone will find inspiration from this? I dunno.

My apologies for stuff.


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